Nick Clark is So Damn Fresh

It's the end of the season and you know what that means: it's time to rank every runner in the sport and decide who is the best. This time-honored tradition of taking an outstandingly varied series of races and comparing them as equal has been recognized year after year as the de facto standard of distinction among ultrarunners, and this year has shaped up to be one of the most excitingly debatable fields in history. The people need to know who is the best and who wasn't good enough, because how else would we have enough to spray about online? With no prize money and little distinction, it's the most ridiculous competition in the world! But it matters A LOT. So I'm going to jump right in with my opinion.

My opinion is that Kilian Jornet should be ultrarunner of the year. A look at his race schedule as compared to that of literally every other ultrarunner shows clearly that he's the best right now. Go ahead and dispute me - I'll fight you. Online. In Pocket Tanks.

However I have recently learned that, due to a technicality apparently designed to protect American egos online, Kilian isn't eligible as Ultrarunner of the Year. At first this puzzled me until I remembered that Europeans don't use time and thus can't understand the concept of "years". Europe, of course, operates without the binding consequences of chronology or even regular physics, which may help to explain why the whole Salomon team is so fast - it's called quantum tunneling. Look it up. This also explains why European history never made sense in high school and why they always look so damn fresh.

So Damn Fresh!

Actually, I just made all that up. Can you believe it? I lied to you. Sorry. But I'm not lying now. Listen. Kilian can't be Ultrarunner of the Year because we cleverly arranged our rules to exclude him. This is not so appalling when you consider that we totally don't have to stop there! If we can exclude Kilian because he's so damn fresh then we can seriously exclude anyone we want. All that's required is a tightening of the rules. Right now we're considering "North American Ultrarunner of the Year", but I think we should go with "Western U.S. Ultrarunner of the Year", or even "Colorado Ultrarunner of the Year." In fact, to hell with pretense, let's do "Fort Collins, Colorado Ultrarunner of the Year", that way I will win....or Nick Clark will. Damn it Nick! How about this: "Myrtle st. between Loomis and Grant Ultrarunner of the Year". That's totally me! I want a full page magazine announcement and a huge party.

This reminds me of Nick Clark. He caught on to this idea years ago with Fastest Known Times, or FKT's. As a result he is the proud owner of approximately 65% of the the records on the FKT Website, including Nick's House to The Top of Horsetooth Rock, Nick's House to Nick's Car and, my personal favorite, the untouchable Nick's Bedroom to Fridge Traverse. Being an Englishman and therefore extremely sensitive, he quickly realized that by narrowing the records down to the most random, unrepeatable combinations of his own personal strengths, nobody could touch him. This has driven him to link up preposterous routes like the Western States 100 and Hardrock 100 in barely two weeks. And now I'm going to switch to being serious. Nick's combined runs at Western States and Hardrock were on par with the most impressive feats I have seen performed in this sport. Seriously. I've never run Western States, but I assume it's awfully hard, especially when you run hard enough to take third place among the best competition in the sport. But then to come straight to Silverton and run Hardrock for third place? Unreal. Combine this with his burly course record at Jemez - which, actually, plays into this whole "Nick has low self-esteem" thing I'm going for. You know he set the course record and then lit the course on fire? Great sportsmanship dude - and his stout new record at the Vertical Beer Mile and you've got a pretty clear case for the best in the sport, in the country, in the area. However that works. Nick deserves serious recognition for his accomplishments.

I googled "Nick Clark" and this was my favorite of the results. I assume this is from his pre-ultrarunning days

Seriously, if he had run that double in September this would be a no-brainer. But Western States and Hardrock were long enough ago that people have forgotten the gravity of what he did. But those of us who were there with him - we can never forget! He made us look bad, and that means we also can never forgive. But that's another story entirely....

Anyway, this has been one hell of a blog post, huh? We've laughed, we've cried, and through it all we gained a little more respect for each other. Actually, I'd be surprised if you weren't livid right now. I have said almost nothing of value and you read it all! Ha ha ha! What an idiot! As we move into the next phase of this blog post - the comments - please keep in mind that I'm only interested in negative comments. Constructive criticism is not welcome here. Neither are corrections, suggestions or overwhelmingly personal displays of affection. Basically, I want my comment thread to look like the one on Nick Clark's blog after UTMB, when he dropped out for his own reasons, blogged about them on his personal blog, and was ripped apart by people with differing opinions. Also, make your own choice but vote for Nick Clark. He's so damn fresh!

"Fresh!"