Nature of Case: Compromise of principles
Victims: The running community at large
Suspects: Jones, Dakota
Injuries Sustained: Loss of purity in ultrarunning
Release: On 2/27/11 at approximately 9:00 p.m. Larimer County authorities responded to a complaint at the house of local ultrarunner Dakota Jones. Thus far the investigation has revealed that Jones was planning on running a 50 mile race in Texas this weekend but bailed because of a "relative lack of competition." During questioning the 20 year old Jones revealed that he had been planning on running the race just for the competition anyway, completely nullifying past statements about running for "intangible benefits" only. Further investigation revealed several boxes of new shoes from a "Montrail" company, as well as certain articles of high performance clothing embroidered with statements confirming that the athlete has no soul. Across one read "Montrail Trail Running Team" and, even worse, another read "Young Money." Jones' statements that competition is a part of what makes running fun were promptly ignored by authorities, whose cursory understanding of the runner's history and values qualified them as bona-fide authorities on the subject. In response, police advised the runner to always go to small races with little competition in order to compete for a small amount of prize money and a title, no matter the situation. Prior to the infraction witnesses reported seeing a shirtless Jones doing sprints around the .15 mile Colorado State indoor track and flexing for any nearby women, before oiling himself up for a cooldown.
Colorado state law prohibits arrests being made on the basis of "intangible cases", such as with Jones, or, according to Sheriff Justin Smith, "we would have put him away for a long time." Smith went on to state, "Rarely have I seen such contempt for the sport of ultrarunning. Jones needs to understand that ultrarunning is really serious, and just enjoying the sport for the running and even the competition is not okay with anybody."
The evidence has been submitted to the Larimer County District Attorney. Further information will be released in the coming weeks.
Prepared by: The Running Police
Hilarious post, Dakota. I hope you always run to get what YOU want out of it. Enjoy it, whatever that means for you.
ReplyDeleteNobody is surprised. Everyone knows that Colorado ultrarunners north of Castle Rock are all criminals.
ReplyDeleteF*ck the police! Comin' straight from the underground, young ...
ReplyDeleteWait ... that might be before YM's time.
Awesome! Can't wait to see the criminals in action at Sonoma.
ReplyDeleteI just wet myself reading that!
ReplyDeleteAwesome stuff dude!
Very good!
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Satire strikes again!
ReplyDeleteAgree with Byron. You don't you have to answer to anybody but yourself. Freaking hilarious post.
ReplyDelete@GZ, now that is old skool. Is EazyE even still alive?
I hope he gets 20 to life for his transgressions. What a piece of work!
ReplyDeleteSheriff Smith wasn't the same guy that had me with my hands in the air at Coyote Ridge TH Sunday morning was he? No joke. My trail running intentions were totally pure. Watch out! They are cracking down on these FoCo trail running criminals.
ReplyDeletedon't let the haters bring you down.
ReplyDeleteAwesome...good for you!
ReplyDeleteDakota, very clever way of clarifying your previous comments. You definitely have a future in writing if you choose to go that route. Good luck in chasing the ghost of Skaggs at HR.
ReplyDeleteConnor, I think your haters comment may have been a little strong. I was one of the ones that commented that Dakota's reason for dropping Nueces "appeared" to conflict with some previous comments he had made about why he runs ( I really liked his post about the HR controversy although I apparantly misunderstood the point he was originally making about his motivation for running). At the same time I said he was a fine young man and wished him the best (I was sincere in that). Fail to see how that makes me a hater.
If you really want to see what a hater looks like, read comments by a poster named "kris" (not me) on Geoff Roes blog.
@Brett/GZ - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zqKut2JfHs
ReplyDeleteDakota - Jonathan Swift would be proud. See what that english major can open up for you... Knock 'em dead YM.
Keep on keepin on Dakota!
ReplyDeleteAwesome- satire and laughing at yourself at the same time.
ReplyDeleteWhat about the fancy cars and hot chicks -- that is why you run anyway. Screw the Ultra Police, they can't catch you in their hybrid cars.
ReplyDelete